


How Dare You?

by RedJumper



Series: The Broken Heart [3]
Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, John Donne references, Love at First Sight, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-05
Updated: 2020-11-05
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:13:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27407884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedJumper/pseuds/RedJumper
Summary: Todd Anderson was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. Todd Anderson was also way out of his league (if out of his league meant straight and impossibly to get). Todd Anderson was also the person that Neil Perry fell in love with on the first day of school.
Relationships: (unrequited), Todd Anderson/Ginny Danbury, Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Series: The Broken Heart [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2004994
Kudos: 23





	How Dare You?

**Author's Note:**

> Don't own characters. Or the last poem which is the broken heart by John Donne. The first poem how dare you is by me and is terrible don't worry I know.  
> So to clarify Todd is gay in this au by he doesn't tknow it/internalised homophobia. If I wrote a second part it will be on that.  
> Also it's the Neil did joined the play and attempt sucidce the year before but Todd only that that year.

  
Todd Anderson was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. Todd Anderson was also way out of his league (if out of his league meant straight and impossibly to get). Todd Anderson was also the person that Neil Perry fell in love with on the first day of school. 

At first thing Neil had thought - hoped, really, - that Todd did in fact like him back. That first night even though Todd was new to Welton and had no idea who Neil was they had stayed up talking most of the night. Todd had sat next to him in Chemistry and during study would look up with a soft smile. Neil was fucking smitten and how to listen to Charlie whisper in his ear all day about what a fucking coward he was. 

It was love at first sight - at least for one of them. Neil came back to the school and got his heart for stolen on the first day. He was yet to receive it back. 

For the first two months of the school year Neil was happy, really happy. Even if the boy he was in love with don't love him back they were still great friends - best friends really. They let Todd join the dead poets society after about four hours of knowing him - "He has good vibes." said Pitts. Neil joined another play at Hentley Hall - since his mother had convinced his father that after the incident last year it was best to make sure Neil stayed happy - and introduced some of the cast to the poets. It turned out Ginny and Chris knew each other from school and soon they had two new members for the dead poets. 

-

And then Neil's life took a turn - not as drastic as last year but also still quite drastic. He was after all a teenage boy that loved acting, if he wanted to be dramatic about his love life he could be, sue him. 

Todd had a girlfriend. It's not Neil didn't expect that to happen one day. It's just that one day was meant to be very much in the future - as in they've both left Welton and not talked in ten years type of future. It was such a distant thing in his mind, that he never fully comprehended that it could become reality. Todd getting a girlfriend was something that would happen but would it really? Honestly, even though whenever Charlie brought it up Neil disagreed, he never thought Todd liked girls. He never talked about them but then again neither did Cameron. He also lost interest in Knox's spiels about Chris but then again so did Meeks. 

Okay so Neil's main reason for thinking Todd didn't like girls was because he didn't want him to be. Neil hoped those slightly too fond smiles actually meant more than it seemed, that the quiet voice Todd uses at night when they're both in their beds, and the way Todd lets Neil read his poetry and the way they're always with each other actually fucking meant something. 

When Todd announced that he's dating Ginny Danbury - who Neil had introduced to him - the group was silent. Cameron, being the only one of the group that hadn't realised Neil's crush, had slapped Todd on his back and said "Finally Anderson, was starting to worry about you." The rest of their friends joined in but Neil stayed silent. He tried to speak but when he opened his mouth nothing came out, the words "I'm dating Ginny." going in circles in his head, the sentence never fully processing. When Knox had started to propose a double date, he made his excuse and left to go back his dorm - wanting to talk Shakespeare with Keating was a regular occurrence anyway. 

Later that night Charlie slipped into his dorm just before lights out. Neil hadn't seen Todd since that conversation during dinner. A part of him hoped that Knox had convinced him of the date and that Todd couldn't talk his way out off it. Or maybe Todd wanted to go a double date. Maybe Neil was just being petty and heartbroken and wanted to curl up and cry but can't in case his roommate, who's causing him to want to cry, came in. 

Charlie just sat next to him on the bed, where Neil had his arms wrapped around himself and was staring at the one spot of the carpet that looked like a crow. 

"They'll break up. I bet you five dollars that it's by the end of the week. No offence but Anderson can barely get two words out with us sometimes, with a girl he'll fucking struggled." Neil knew Charlie was trying to cheer him but he's convinced his heart won't get over the crushing disappointment it felt. He really thought Todd liked him back. 

"Kissing doesn't require words."

"Neil."

"Just stop Charlie. Please?" The pleading gave away too much of his feeling but it was either that or cry. 

He felt Charlie move closer to him and put his hand on his shoulder. However Neil doesn't know what Charlie was going to say because at that moment Cameron knocked on the door and shouted "Dalton, you better be in the room in the next minute."

Charlie got up and muttered "Fucking asshole." under his breath but just before he left the room he turned back around and said "If you want to talk it, I'm available anytime. Well try to avoid 9-10pm, that's my alone time but any other time and I'm yours babe."

"Thanks Charlie."

Todd still hadn't came back and Neil had gotten ready for bed about three hours ago so he grabbed his chemistry jotter to attempt to rid himself of any emotions concerning one Mr Todd Anderson. 

He ended up going to the back page and drawing some stars - an easy shape that only require motion no thought. Neil heard the door creak open and Todd sneaked in. He seemed shocked at the fact the light was still on but instead of getting ready sat at his desk. Neil watched him as he took out the notebook Neil knows is for poetry and a pen. The light won't get turned off for a while. 

Todd's poetry was amazing. Every time Neil read it he immediately wanted more to all the beautiful consumed his every thought. He thought he was in love for first sight but he knew he was in love when he first heard the words Todd could come up with. 

He decided to take a page out of Todd's book and write his feelings down. He sucked at writing poetry - he still had to read some original work in class but Mr Keating always gave him a slight sympathetic look. The 'poem' turned more prose but it got his feelings across. 

_How dare you_  
_How dare you let me think I had chance_  
_With pretty smiles and catching words you drew me in_  
_And with causal admissions and an unexpected announcement you threw me out_

_How dare you let me fall in love with you_  
_When you know you couldn't love me back_  
_\- at least not like that_  
_You allowed me to hope and hope and hope_  
_You allow me to wish for the impossible_  
_And you allow me to feel_ disappointed by the obvious 

_How dare you_  
_How dare you let me get this far in loving you when you just went and did that._  
_When you sit there being normal and calm and so fucking perfect._  
_When you sit there with your heart full and complete and I sat_ here staring at the back of your head when mine is in pieces on the dinner room floor. 

_How dare you_

Neil didn't plan to show anyone it but the next day Charlie asked for his chemistry notes and found the page. 

It took too much convincing for Charlie to realise that Neil will never, never tell Todd about this. Unrequited love at first sight - only Neil would've gotten in that situation. 

-

About two months after their first dead poets meeting Neil decided that if Todd is oblivious he could be obvious about being heartbroken. 

So he stood up while watching all of the groups' faces and when he took a piece of lined paper out of his pocket he could hear Charlie let a quiet gasp out. It's not that piece of paper, he was brave but not stupid. 

It was a poem. Keating was currently making them study some John Donne poems in class and while it might not have been one of the cynical ones this one sure summed up Neil's current situation . 

_"He is stark mad, who ever says,_  
_That he hath been in love an hour,_  
_Yet not that love so soon decays,_  
_But that it can ten in less space devour;_  
_Who will believe me, if I swear_  
_That I have had the plague a year ?_  
_Who would not laugh at me, if I should say,_  
_I saw a flask of powder_ burn a day ? 

_Ah, what trifle is a heart,  
If once into Love’s hands it come!   
All other griefs allow a part   
To other griefs, and ask themselves but some,   
They come to us, but us Love draws,   
He swallows us, and never chaws:   
By him, as by chain-shot, whole ranks do die,   
He is the tyrant pike, our hearts the fry. _

_If`twere not so, what did become_  
_Of my heart, when I first saw thee ?_  
_I brought a heart into the room,_  
_But from the room, I carried non with me;_  
_If it had gone to thee, I know_  
_Mine would have taught thy heart to show_  
_More pity unto me: but Love, alas,_  
_At one first blow did shiver it as glass._

_Yet nothing can to nothing fall,_  
_Nor any place be empty quite,_  
_Therefore I think my breast hath all_  
_Those pieces still, though they be not unite;_  
_And now as broken glasses show_  
_A hundred lesser faces, so_  
_My rags of heart can like, wish, and adore,_  
_But after one such love, can love no more."_

Todd clapped afterwards and smiled - like he always did. Then it clicked he was the only one that had and the rest were staring at him. Neil hated how Todd's flushed cheeks were still making his heart beat too fast. 

Neil sat back and ignored Charlie's concerned look. He was in love with the most oblivious but smartest guy ever. 

He watched as Todd took Ginny's hand - the only person other Todd that hasn't been told of Neil's crush - and said something in her ear. 

They looked happy. Neil's heartbroken enough to fucking hate it. He wanted Todd to be happy but he also used to that smile being directed at him. It was also brighter when directed at him. 

They looked happy and Neil's love was unrequited but that didn't mean Neil was that convinced that Todd actually wanted to be with Ginny. 

Charlie pulled him into conversation and Neil spent the rest of the night pretending he hadn't revealed how much a certain boy had destroyed his heart. 


End file.
